here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Randomize
