I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
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