I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
