if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Randomize
