Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
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Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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