why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
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No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
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I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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