Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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