I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
