Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
