Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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