is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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