i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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