Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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