Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
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he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
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I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
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