Cold hands, warm shart.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
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