Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
