Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
You took a bar mat shot.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
