she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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