I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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