I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
