The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
