Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
