sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
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