Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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