i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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