So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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