I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
