You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
