she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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