I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
