Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
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It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
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Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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