Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
