I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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