Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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