He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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