I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Every concussion has its silver lining
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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