OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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