The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
