i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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