We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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