According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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