The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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