party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
