I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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