life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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