They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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