my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I'm sobbing to NWA
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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