so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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