Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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