Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You are the jesus of drinking
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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