the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
