Me. At least after what I've been through.
I puked a lego.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
