I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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