i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
