I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
