GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
