im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
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Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
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We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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