Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
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