look no pants
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
