I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
